


Denial

by bloatedpeep



Series: Catra [1]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28540887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloatedpeep/pseuds/bloatedpeep
Summary: In the Northern Reach, She-Ra is a whole new beast. All red intensity, the speed in her movements Catra can't keep up with for even minutes. For a moment, Catra truly believes that she is about to die, and it is all her fault. She wonders what Adora will think when she finds out she killed her. If she will mourn, or if she will be proud. She wonders, because even when she believes herself about to be dead, she cannot bring herself to truly be honest with herself. To face the fact that Adora loves her.Or, Catra's journey through jealousy and pride.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Catra [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2205795
Comments: 2
Kudos: 94





	Denial

**Author's Note:**

> I worked really hard on this so I hope you like it

Catra lets out a loud, squeaky cackle as she jumps away from the sword slashing in her direction. Not for the first time, it crosses her mind how slowly Adora is moving. Almost as though she didn't just transform into She-Ra. She pushes it down and lunges forward with her claws, ready to give Adora all the wounds that she's so unwilling to return. When she walks away from the battle run ragged but unscathed, and Adora with large claw marks down her cheek, she tries to feel her usual pride, the feeling of triumph. It doesn't come, cheapened with knowledge that she's trying so desperately to ignore. 

In the battle of Bright Moon, Catra has the upper hand almost the whole time. It's almost an easy fight, keeping She-Ra with her, and when she drags her claws down Adora's back, the part of her that has been begging and begging for her to just _go with her_ stops. That isn't an option anymore, it realizes. It shrinks in on itself, crying pathetically for Adora, and that only serves to make Catra angrier, more maniacal. It shifts gears, calling out to her again and again. 

_You wanted her to choose you, right?_

Catra looks at the battlefield in front of them. The Horde is this close to winning, the glitter princess and arrow boy driven back, beaten down. She looks back at Adora, weakened and injured, letting her win. 

A new resentment blossoms in her chest, how _dare_ she? Let Catra win, like it hadn't taken absolutely every part of Catra to get here. _Why won't Adora just_ beat _her?_ Asks that deep part of her. _Because Adora doesn't_ want _to hurt us. She's_ choosing _us. Isn't that what you want?_ An even deeper part screams. And Catra can't accept that. It isn't fair. Why is nothing with Adora ever _fair?_

When the Princesses come to the rescue, Catra pretends she doesn't feel the relief in her chest seeing Adora stand and fight again. She pretends that she isn't grateful, because she really didn't want to kill Adora. She pretends that she wishes they were all dead, and after enough pretending, she manages to make herself believe it again.

In the Northern Reach, She-Ra is a whole new beast. All red intensity, the speed in her movements even Catra can't keep up with. For a moment, Catra truly believes that she is about to die, and it is all her fault. She wonders what Adora will think when she finds out she killed her. If she will mourn, or if she will be proud. She wonders, because even when she believes herself about to be dead, she cannot bring herself to truly be honest with herself. To face the fact that Adora loves her. 

It's easy to excuse, afterwards. A 'She was only that strong because of the disc,' here, a 'She couldn't even hurt me without my help!" there. She is digging herself a hole of denial. 

The punch that Adora, not She-Ra, lands on her cheek in the portal, is the most pain Adora ever inflicted on her. Emotionally, physically. If Adora can hit her that hard, how much has she really been holding back as She-Ra?

She doesn't think about it. She distances herself from Adora completely, allowing Double Trouble to take her place in their fights, trying to fight from afar. It helps, she pushes the war effort further than ever. She is feared by her soldiers, by the rebellion fighters. She is known. Adora isn't trying to get her on side anymore, they nearly don't interact at all.

Still, she can't go a day without thinking about her, the stupid princess. It's always distorted, almost like she's still in the portal, out of control. Her temper becomes unmanageable, and she drives everyone away, even Scorpia. She's face to face with her own foolishness, it climbs on her back and pulls her hair, but still, she pretends not to see it. 

Her first feeling of true triumph comes from taking down Hordak. If she couldn't do anything else, she could do that. The war would be over. Hopefully, the world would be able to face Horde Prime. Maybe she could make a life in the Crimson Waste. It hadn't been that hard before. Double Trouble was right, this was never what she wanted. It had taken her too long to face it now, there was nothing she could do that would ever make Adora care about her like she used to. She would have to move on.

She tries not to laugh at herself when she thinks that, thinking about how well 'moving on' has ever worked for her. 

Those dreams are dashed anyway, as soon as the glitter princess-no, queen, now, comes to retrieve her. Catra resigns herself to a life in a Brightmoon prison, thinking about Adora somewhere close to her. When the short girl falls over in pain, glowing, Catra doesn't try to escape. She doesn't even manage her usual burst of anger when the girl cries out that Adora was right. She simply believes the world is about to be destroyed, and thinks about what a twist of fate it is that her and the glitter princess are going to die together. 

They don't. What they end up doing together is far, far worse. Horde Prime radiates an evil that even Hordak never came close to achieving, and Catra never would have revealed herself if he wasn't going to hurt Glimmer. Even if they were and could still be enemies, Catra knows Adora would never be able to live with herself if Glimmer died on this ship. 

Catra falls back into old patterns easily. Chain of command isn't new to her, even if it's a little odd with all the clones around. She knows she's at the bottom, she's spent most of her life there. It's a little scarier this time, but she plans on making it work. 

Without an army to lead, with all of her time spent alone, Catra is forced to think. Loneliness takes the place of the drive she once had, and she finds herself visiting Glimmer.

It's like having a piece of Adora to talk to. She understands why Adora likes the girl, all fire and grit and determination. Kind of like Catra, in those ways, but driven towards good like Adora. When Glimmer cries about how bad the terms they parted on were, Catra's heart twists uncomfortably. Glimmer was driven to seek forgiveness, Catra wants to run away.

_Do one good thing in your life._

Catra will never admit it to the glitter girl, but those words unlocked a part of herself that had withered up within her and gone to sleep a long time ago. Glimmer knows, anyway, when Catra's desperate eyes turn on her as she's demanding she follows her. _I want to do that one good thing in my life. Like you said_. They won't talk about it for years and years.

When Catra saves Glimmer, cries out an apology to Adora, being overtaken by clones, it's the best she's ever felt. The dread of the punishment to come, the fear for Prime getting to Etheria, it doesn't sit in yet. She's left with peace, knowing that if this is the last Adora ever knows of her, it will be worth it. 

She knows that it won't be. That deep part of her knows that Adora would never, ever leave her alone in space with Horde Prime. But all the surface reasoning says otherwise, and she's not ready to let go of all of that denial. 

That deep part is all she has while she's being controlled by Prime. She waits for Adora, whether she'll ever admit it or not. Even so, when the blonde idiot shows up without even her sword, she's surprised and angry and mostly just relieved. Adora will save her, that deep part of her says, even though the rest of her screams out in terror. When Adora tells her it will be okay, she believes her, even while Prime uses her body to hurt her again. 

_I am not giving up on you Catra._

_I'm going to take you home._

_I promise._

She falls. For just a second, her eyes open, free of any green, and she sees Adora's determined face, stature above her, and she pretends not to know what that means before she hits the ground. 

In a glowing Adora's arms, being brought back to life on the ship, Catra can hide no longer. Finally, she's back where she belongs, and the pain is going away. She's with Adora now, and even if it doesn't last forever, she still gets to feel it now. She can feel eyes on her that make her want to feel insecure, but Adora pulls her close and Catra clings to her. She doesn't let go for a long time, even after the healing is over and her body feels okay again. 

Having the chip in her neck is agonizing, but the thought of facing Entrapta is worse. She lashes out at Adora, shrinking back in on herself, raising her walls again after her bout of vulnerability. That deep part of her hurts like never before, but she can't make things right and she can't think about being alive in this world where she's destroyed all her chances. Maybe that's all she's doing now. 

_I never hated you!_

When Adora leaves, she cries. She wallows in self pity and resigns herself to a life of it.

When she comes back, she snaps right back into old anger and defensiveness, especially because of the purple haired princess behind her. The princess doesn't seem to be very angry, but Catra can never tell with her anyway, and it's not like she deserves to be forgiven. If Entrapta did kill her taking the chip out, she would probably deserve it. 

Adora doesn't leave her an option. The chip has to come out, and all Catra can do is beg Adora to stay with her. Until the ship comes under attack again, Adora does anything she can to make Catra feel more comfortable. Catra can see the concern so clear in her face, but she can't understand it. When the ship starts shaking though, Adora has to go. She clearly doesn't want to leave her, but Catra looks up at her and lets herself want again. 

"Adora, please. I-I want to go home." Adora's face alights with determination.

"We will. I'm going to get us out of here." 

"Where are you going?"

"To send Horde Prime a message." She sticks an arm out, and Catra watches with awe as she pulls her old sword out of thin air. "For the honor of Greyskull!"

It's the first time Catra sees Adora transform without seeing her being taken over by the thing that took her. Instead of seeing She-Ra, the monster that stole Adora away from her, Catra sees Adora, a hero in a very familiar mask. Catra ignores that and those feelings too, overcome with love and this new feeling of safety that she's never felt before in her life. Adora leaves her alone with Entrapta, who gets to work without a word to her, speaking as per usual into a small recorder held by her hair. 

When Entrapta finally removes the chip, Catra feels a deep relief, and a large sorrow she can't express. She can't tell Entrapta that she's grateful, not after everything she did to her. She thanks her and apologizes and it's all she can do. Like always, the tiny princess surprises her, forgiving her softly before leaving. 

When she joins them for dinner and they let her in, she starts to feel that tiny bit of hope again, that deep part of her coming alive for real. 

The way that the team, or, the 'Best Friends Squad' accepts her so readily scares her a bit. These are Adora's people, like the cadets at the Horde, but they actually seemed to want her around. Why? She hadn't really done anything to earn their trust, other than save Glimmer. Is that really all it takes with them?

From the shining looks in their eyes, yes, yes it is. 

It gets better when she and Melog get them through the barrier around Etheria. They celebrate with her, they make her feel like she did something good, like she helped them. She guesses she did. 

It takes everyone else some getting used to, her being there, but she wasn't afraid. Not with Adora there. Everyone saw how much Adora clearly cared about her, even Perfuma, who knew even more about her horrible deeds than the rest of them from Scorpia. 

Shadow Weaver does everything she can to get into her head, and like always, it works. She's driven away while Adora sacrifices herself _again_. It's ridiculous, and Catra barely realizes quickly enough to be there with her when she does it.

She doesn't, though, she can't. The failsafe doesn't activate, the virus gets to Adora before she's able to do it. With Adora in her arms and the world shattering above her, Catra can do nothing else but beg. She begs Adora to return to her, to come back, because she loves her. The confession leaves her mouth and she can't be scared of rejection when she's so terrified that Adora will die. 

The light comes again, the one that Catra is starting to associate with pleasant things, and Adora's big blues open up and meet her mismatched eyes. She smiles and Catra doesn't need her to say it, she knows. 

She's still overjoyed when Adora tells her she loves her back. There's no more denial or pretending or hiding, love is simple.

Still, when Adora teases her later by crooning that 'their love saved the world', she pretends to think its corny. It doesn't matter, because Adora knows she's pleased.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought!


End file.
